Grieving during lockdown and social distancing

Hi! My name is Erin and you may remember that I wrote a page for CRY a few months back, on the loss of my mum, Katrina, and the different ways in which I cope with grieving. I have realised that, through quarantine and the situation of the world right now, a lot of the feelings of grief are very similar to the ones I and many others are feeling right now. The lack of control, the worrying and the overall feeling that things are a little bit ‘off’ at the moment are all emotions which remind me of when I was really struggling with coming to terms with the loss of my mum. That is why I am writing this page, to help any young person who has lost someone, or is just feeling very lost themselves, to understand their emotions or even to help improve their mood. I am in no way an expert on this (yet- mental health degree pending), but instead think of me as a friend, offering some advice on how to take care of yourself mentally during this time.

The first feeling I became aware of at the beginning of lock down was panic, which I am sure everyone has felt in some way or another during this situation. This panicked state felt very similar to grief, in the sense that I had no control over what was going on- I couldn’t stop the disease, I couldn’t go out anymore and so on. But when I sat back and thought about it, I did have control- and still do. This virus has changed the way I can control most things, but it has also opened up new doors of other things I can control. I can create a daily routine, one in which I can wake up earlier, exercise more, spend more time in my garden, reading, watching, writing, gaming etc. You have the control to do whatever you want with your day- you have the control to really improve yourself- despite what is going on outside. Creating a plan for your day could mean waking up, getting changed and just sitting with family. Well done you! This new regular routine (no matter how many activities you have managed to get done) is already doing internal wonders for your self-confidence (getting out of your pyjamas) and your purpose (going and doing something with family). Try to set aside some time in your day to connect with people (this could be your family, friends through social media or even playing with your dog), relax (try some meditation, breathing techniques or have a look online for some mindfulness tips), exercise (go for a walk with a family member, stick on a YouTube work out video or do some dancing in your living room- just because you can!) and reflect (plan for tomorrow- what did you really enjoy doing today? Write down a few things that you are thankful for).

It is very much easier said than done, and not every day is going to be that easy. Like grief, there are days where I do not want to leave my bed, and there have been days where I have just stayed in my room all day focusing on how negative the world is right now. You are completely validated for feeling this way, considering the mass changes going on. As long as you pick yourself up and do even just one little thing with yourself such as have a shower, read a book, do a jigsaw, draw a picture, sit outside for a while etc, I assure you, that you will feel better. Because you have accomplished something, you have beaten the negative thoughts and actually done something productive.

Please remember to keep talking- it is so important. Talk to your family, tell them how you’re feeling. I assure you that someone will understand you, everyone in the entire world is feeling a little bit lost right now. Keep talking to them about your loved one that you lost, share some memories that you have of them- try to think what they would make of the world’s situation. My mum was a teacher for example, and I think she would have been teaching her students from home like a lot of other teachers in the world are right now. Coronavirus does not mean you have to stop grieving. It does not mean that everything you feel towards your loved one’s death has to be put on hold- and it is completely normal for the feelings on both situations to feel similar or bring back a lot of memories. When all of this is over (and it will be- each day is one day closer to everything going back to normal again), you can continue to grieve and can therefore, continue to cope with your grief however you did before. Surrounding yourself with your favourite people, continuing your favourite hobbies, whatever it is that you do to make yourself feel better.

As a final note, please take care of yourself. Self care, and not just right now but even when this is all over, is so important. There are a lot of things you can do to make yourself feel better, have a google at some self care tips, little things like having a bath or colouring can make you feel so much better and so much more normal right now. Every night before you fall asleep, think of three things that you feel happy about- so that you fall asleep on a good note- even if the day you just had was awful. Plan days out for when we can go outside again, who you’re going to spend time with, everything. This time can be used to really plan things that you will be so grateful to do once this is over.

By Erin Christopher